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Thursday, July 8, 2010

10:25AM - im doing ok

i think im doing ok.
trying to make friends.
trying not to attach myself to anyone.
trying to live in chicago instead of waiting to leave.

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Monday, April 5, 2010

9:54AM - meaning

her: Bird crawled in my house to die last night

me: what did he die from? is he pretty?

her: it's a robin. I found him alive at two a.m. and he was too exhausted to even look at me or move or care about the threat I posed. 8 a.m. this morning and he;s fallen on his side, dead. I was looking at a ghost. It's an omen

me: omen of what?

her: who knows, At least a sign.

me: maybe he just wanted to be with someone who would care that he died. Maybe he just knew with you his death would mean something

her: But I didn't even stay with him. He died in the god forsaken stairwell!

me: you should have brought him in.

me: maybe it does mean something. Someone hurt and alone crawls into your house looking for help, and you leave him to die in the stairwell.

her: wow thanks.

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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

3:32PM - complication

I think it's important to hold on to complication.

I think that the convoluted nature of it is important.

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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

4:19PM - heat

sitting, its welling up inside me and it feels wrong like something is amiss. But at the same time it feels familiar like I knew that it used to happen to me so long ago but doesn't anymore.
I pushed it down.


its easier

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Thursday, January 7, 2010

2:55PM

i'll ride through the snow

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

5:18PM - teach yourself

Sometimes you end up biting off more than you can chew... but then somehow you chew that shit right on up.

logic sustained

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

5:14PM

well fuck

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

11:14AM - Interview today at a production house

2nd interview... don't screw it up todd.

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Saturday, October 17, 2009

4:26PM - wooden floors, concrete unfinished walls.

I went to the Museum of Contemporary Photography yesterday.. or the day before. It was a Shanghai exhibition. Some of it was horrible. There was a second life community featured... really. And there was some photography that was just dismissible for me.

But... There were a few that were really striking, a model of a house that I saw a thousand times all in varying stages of demolition, and one picture that made me miss China.


One of the pictures is a woman standing in her bedroom. The building has the same layout as my ex-grandmothers house, as least it seems to from what i was able to piece together of the photographs. She is standing in front of a window that is blasting in light, and so concealing her identity. This lets me imagine it is Lao Ma and I remember that she had birds in her home, I remember that she had recently caught a raven and it seemed uncomfortable in the cage. It seemed to be bewildered, unable to take flight he was now doomed to a life in a black steel cage.

I was really caught in a moment up there. Staring at pictures of a place I missed but was probably no longer welcome.

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Sunday, October 11, 2009

2:39PM - Chess

Kyle is in town.

Never play kyle in connect four.

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Thursday, October 1, 2009

2:04PM - 60 and overcasst

welcome back to chicago todd,

we've dropped the temperature for you and completely blotted out the sun, this way we can really drive home how miserable cold and depressed your going to be this winter.
We're hoping that with Vegas fresh in your mind you'll really spiral into a deep depression.

best of luck,
the management.

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Saturday, September 12, 2009

6:02PM - unfinished... but i have lost the will to elaborate further.

he stumbles in unsure of himself holding a white piece of paper, being careful not to crumple it. He is overweight and short. His head is capped with a baseball style hat adorned with silver flames. His shirt is dirty and hugs his belly tightly while hanging loose in the sleeves and at the back. His pants are faded black, almost brown and on his right knee he has on what I mistake for a knee brace. This leads me to fabricate an elaborate backstory of a young man gifted in sports, handsome and strong. Giving his all until his body gives out... crushing his dreams. I then realize that it is in fact not a brace, it's a knee pad. He needs it so that when he kneels down to scrape the graffiti from the bottom of the window, his pants and knee are protected. His boyhood heroics are washed away.

He struggles with the scarred window for an hour or so, coming in every so often to try and justify his inability to preform his job. I'm ok with it. I don't mind that he can't get the paint off, I have no investment in this place. He tells me that if he can get it off, the store owner next to us is going to hire him to clean his window as well. He really wants this to happen because he will be cleaning that window for 25 dollars "under the table".

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

4:29PM - cold camping

a raccoon sat beneath my legs while we were camping. unafraid of me and me unafraid of him. we hung out a moment and then i showed my girlfriend and she was also unafraid. and then we decided we needed his picture. which ruined everything. i also gave him a hot dog.. which he seemed to appreciate.

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Saturday, August 15, 2009

8:04PM - things i do with her

laying in each others arms at the edge of a waterfall
running in fear as the sun retreated
walking side by side slowly in a downpour
flying side by side down the streets of chicago
laying on the beach, limbs intertwined, with the sun warming our bodies
watching the sun set, standing in the water, lining her up with the sun. watching her skin glisten.

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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

10:31PM - These bug bites

I win.

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

3:20PM

my problem is i lived a whole life and i was unhappy. there were amazing things along the way but where i ended up i was unhappy. and now i feel lost and confused about what i am aiming for. what i am living in pursuit of.

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Friday, June 19, 2009

3:12PM - and perhaps

maybe i do, but it doesn't matter so what is the point.
in reality it only matters if it is reciprocated, and i firmly believe that it is not.
if unreciprocated it transforms from something grand to something muddy and confusing.
i don't want to trudge through mud. i don't want to wander confused.

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

11:29AM - Life in the past lane.

Lately all I think about are friends back home, times I had in the past and the life I used to lead.

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Sunday, May 10, 2009

2:32PM - Hemingway

So I started seeing this girl.
She is really smart and well traveled and we seem to connect well.
Yesterday she and I decide to hang out, and she takes me to the Hemingway museum and birthplace.

I'm trying not to make the situation too significant, but something is going on. And it's kind of great.

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Thursday, April 23, 2009

11:28AM

WINTER IS COMING.

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